The true meaning of SIGMA

The summation operator, Sigma is the eighteenth letter of the ancient Greek alphabet. As an upper case letter (∑), it is used as a symbol for sums and series in which each term is computed from the previous one by adding (or subtracting) a constant. I’m no mathematician, but in simplified terms and common use, Sigma is used to add all parts, in sequence, to give a total made up of every number in the sequence.  

I am now at an age that I need to feel a sense of unity in the larger nation and world.  As my world expands, I would like to know that most human beings are decent.  As I move into a world larger than the college campus, I would like to know that adulthood is filled with adults.  I also realize that our country is divided along so many lines that there is no “sum of all parts.”  In my lifetime I’d like to see us back away from selfishness and embrace each other, if such a thing is still possible.

I began writing down growing feelings about my much larger world (as an adult) fairly recently.  Everything I say is an opinion–take my words with a grain of salt.  There might, however, be some grains of truth hidden inside.  I just write it as I think it.

And for all of you who came here looking for…well…the meaning of Sigma, try this link to a summation tutorial.  I found it quite helpful.

Juan, gone.

I have to start this by saying that I LOVE NPR.  Not just like it–I love it.   I have been listening since I was in middle school, and used to just flick off the news parts on my local station.  Now, I have come to depend on their reporting and coverage from around our nation and world.  I trust their voice on matters of importance (yes I am liberal, but I prefer for my news organization to let me make up my own mind about who “them” is…NPR lets me do that).

So…I have been following the Juan Williams incident this week.  *Sigh*.  It all started when Bill O’Reilly went onto ABC’s The View. Caused a great ruckus that involved two of the ladies just shutting down, and walking offstage.   Two weeks later, this guy totally lost his job–very publicly, I might add–over comments made on Fox News’  O’Reilly Factor.  It is unfortunate that NPR reacted in such a rash manner and fired him after his well-stated opine, and attempts to get into and moderate Bill O’Reilly’s more extreme view.  It is also unfortunate that Juan feels that way about Muslims in their garb, but I totally understood the blurb.  While those are the things I know for sure, I am conflicted about the rest of the situation.

Since Monday, all heck has broken loose.  Williams was a national analyst with NPR, and was also working with Fox News.  He stated, after his firing that:

I’m not predictable, black, liberal. And let me tell you something else, you [O’Reilly] were exactly right when you said you know what this comes down to, they were looking for a reason to get rid of me because I’m appearing on Fox News. They don’t want me talking to you.

What?!? Weird, right?  He has been working with Fox News in some capacity since 1997.  That is more than a decade ago, so why react now?  What did Williams actually say that was so offensive? Well…He said:

I mean, look, Bill, I’m not a bigot. You know the kind of books I’ve written about the civil rights movement in this country. But when I get on a plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they’re identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.

They were talking more specifically about Jihad and Jihadists.  Later, Juan made it clear that he doesn’t believe that all Muslims are extremists.  I don’t think that this was too farfetched, HOWEVER, pointing to the fact that he could not know if people were or were not extremists, not just “Muslims in their Garb” may have been more explanatory.  I got what he was trying to say.  Apparently, right after his remarks were aired, the Council on American-Islamic Relations released a news release that said, “…Such irresponsible and inflammatory comments would not be tolerated if they targeted any other racial, ethnic or religious minority, and they should not pass without action by NPR…” I am pretty sure that this group is now satisfied.

According to Fox News, Williams was fired over the phone, and was denied an opportunity to meet and discuss his position with NPR.  NPR has had issues for some time with Juan Williams, and I suppose this was just the nail in the coffin. According to an internal memo which I heard part of during my morning commute during our local station’s fund drive, heard a little more about later from the Ombudsman, and saw in full  (which, ironically, is posted here at Fox News), his mounting gaffes and repeated attempts to work with him yielded no results. Some further act of discipline or removing him from the public eye would have been understandable, from an employer’s POV, especially if Williams had violated the code of ethics multiple times.  The dismissal should not have happened the way that it did.  A reprimand, and a meeting later, where employment options could be discussed calmly should have been the order of the day.  NOT Vivian Schiller’s comment about Williams psychiatrist and publicist…which was no better than Juan’s original sin…and much more worthy of a libel suit.

Now, conservatives from all over the board are screaming for NPR’s paltry federal funding to be cut entirely.  (it’s like 2%, geez.)  People are calling up to their local stations during this, the regular fall fund drive time, to say that they disagree and will no longer be giving money to their member stations (NOT the way to do it, guys!!!  local stations have nothing to do with the staffing of these journalists!).  That part made me sad, so I made my pledge online.  Since Alicia Shepard became Ombudsman in October 2007, no other NPR employee has generated as much controversy as Williams. Nearly every columnist, journalist, analyst and commentator for NPR has had something to say about his firing–some ok with it, others pretty angry.  Tavis Smiley and Nina Totenberg’s blunt and insensitive comments from the recent and not-so-recent past have also been dredged up from the nether sound byte land. Even Barbara Walters seems a bit confused by NPR’s decision.   But still, Williams seems to have come out on the better end of the deal.  He signed a $2Mil contract extension with Fox News, even as he was nearing the end of his contract with NPR (with supposedly 2 months left–couldn’t confirm).

Some people have said that he will come out swinging like  a “reformed liberal”.  Based on the tenor of things this week, that’s highly possible.

I could never be a journalist.  Crafting a response or analysis that walks the fine line of opinion every time I opened my mouth would be nerve-wracking for me.  I, luckily, am an ordinary citizen–so here’s my opinion:  Juan Williams is better off with Fox, but his service for NPR was a solid one…solid enough to warrant him a position as an analyst…so he should have been treated with a little more respect/dignity.

See the original O’Reilly segment here.

The opposite of CONCORD is DISCORD.

We seem to be having quite a bit of that lately. The discord, that is. It is so frustrating to me to watch our nation tear itself to shreds. From planned Islamic Centers, to partisan bickering, to pretty overt racism–I’m sad to say I am an adult among other (supposed) adults.

There are so many things we need to worry about, other than the aforementioned trivial b***S**t, if you catch my drift. There is a very violent conflict, just south of Texas, that goes virtually unnoticed. How many people–a lot of them innocent–die every day in Mexico? Phillipe Calderone’s government is having a tough time with this. From what I understand, Mexico is almost at the point of making deals with the Druglords and their factions just to calm things down. The Federal Police have already somewhat aligned with one of the major cartels in Juarez–and the ordinary officers were paying the price for their leadership’s alliance. The “regular” police rioted against the corrupt ones, and sadly, were dismissed from their posts (pending further disciplinary action). Since Mexico is our southern neighbor, how much can we/should we/have we given or give them help and advice? I would hate to see that country fail. And we were worried about Greece’s financial collapse.

It is certainly good to see that we are starting to pull out of Iraq; those people need a chance to come back together and create a great country with the promise of a peaceful future.  It is a dim hope, but EVERY person deserves peace.  The United States probably kept Iraqis so angry with the progress of change, that the only real change can come when we step away.  The other possibility is that the nation turns to extremism–revenge, for short.  Afghanistan, on the other hand…they have seen so many occupiers and changes of regime, our only prayer is to convince each and every Afghan that peace and prosperity is not that far away.  If they have a national hope and pride, they may be able to see that blowing us and their fellow countrymen up is counterproductive.  If we are able to share with them a day in our American lives, where we are relatively safe, they may see that we mean them no harm, and that they can have their way of life in peace.  If hope in Iraq was dim, this prayer for their people may be a pipe dream.  I wish both nations the best.

Speaking of money, it is somewhat confusing to me as to why the private sector is not even bothering to innovate. I’ve seen a few good things in the tech sector (i.e. phones, and the like), but other than that, where is all the “green” tech? We sank money into it on a federal level, right? So, get to creating things, even if the price of oil barrels dropped. All companies need to do some major R&D, and frankly, I did not realize that having lots of reserve cash and investors galore had anything to do with a corporation’s ability to make and sell a product that would earn money. Isn’t that how it was done in the old days? I’m not even talking about the new, startup companies, either. I’m talking about the old establishment corporations with enough cash in reserve to feed all the inhabitants of the D.R.C. for a year. These simple actions are too easy, and would result in too much gain for the average American (i.e. corporate production would necessitate hiring, more jobs = more people with money, people with money buy things, corporations profit, corporate taxes from profits go back into the pot…everybody wins.). As far as taxes go, yes, I wholeheartedly agree that an American company should be taxed heavily for offshore labor. I don’t mean having a division overseas…I mean when the whole of the manufacturing component of a company is in some area other than the U.S., we should tax them for the negative American jobs they created domestically.  Perhaps the difference between the wages their foreign employees earn and American minimum wage–per employee?  Ok, maybe that is going a bit far, but  I am totally willing to pay the difference on your product  if you at least keep half of the workforce here!  For those who are screaming that taxes will drive these corporations away from the United States, I have this to say:  Good luck with your incorporation in Iran, Columbia, Yemen, South Africa, Israel or Georgia.  Even a giant like China is going to restrict your growth in some way, if not financially.  I’m not particularly keen on worrying about lead in my toothpaste because the American company I bought it from doesn’t monitor their manufacturing sector very well  in an unscrupulous or laxly regulated country.

Ugh.  Enough about that.  The issue here is A LOT of discordant behavior.  This unwillingness to empathize, sacrifice a little, go out on a limb, hear an opposing POV…since when are we not human beings?  Since when did we lose the ability to reason?  Since when did we become so ugly to each other (and the fabled “them” that we find ourselves opposed to)? War, terrorism, classism, sexism, racism, xenophobia, homophobia and so many other manifestations of our hatred for one another are enough to make me sick.  I just want to call someone I’ve never met and solve a  problem…or just talk to them, in an open, honest, and friendly way.  Or walk up to someone on the street and say something nice.  Or make a baby of another ethnicity laugh.  I know that kind things are happening, but there is an overwhelming feeling of  tempered anger among our fellow man.  It was great to see how many people spoke out about the planned Qur’an burning in Florida, but it is truly sad that there are at least 30 people anywhere that feel this way about someone else’s faith.  It’s time to do something different.  Let me know where all the good-hearted people are, instead of letting me feel completely disheartened about the human race.

Finished my latest “books by James-es”

book cover

So I actually sat down and got some reading done.  Jeez…I was unemployed for two 1/2 months and I just now got a chance to read. Lol.

The first book is a pseudo-classic, written in 1993, and pretty well-known.  It is The Celestine Prophecy, by James Redfield.  I don’t remember how I ended up with the book (I think this one, and my other ‘book of James,’ was from my aunt) is a little hazy.  I liked it, and I understand where the author was going with the concept of coincidences mentioned in the First Insight of the book, but I’m a little disappointed in how predictable they all were to me, and not to the main character of the book.  I thought, surely he would figure some of this out by the Sixth Insight.  I was wrong!  It is a good book; one which made me hungry for such a transformation or human evolution of consciousness to occur. I happened to catch a post on wordpress today that was, in fact, titled “a Harmonic Convergence.”  That it was poking fun at Sarah Palin made the post–and its reminder that I have books to talk about–even better. Some kind of coincidence, huh? 

I looked up information about this book before I read it, and was suprised to find that there were more, written about the remaining insights.  I will definitely check them out. Interested?  Go buy the book!

 

The other book was different in subject matter, to say the least.  I will say that A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey sucked me up and I read it as greedily and as quickly as I could.  I knew, from my aunt, that there was a great deal of controversy around the truthfulness of his “memoir”.  This was confirmed when I checked it out on Amazon, just to see how false it was before devoting any of my time to it.  The reviews are either really, really good or really, really critical.  You know authenticity is really doubted when employees of the treatment facility from the book (that is never named in it) claim that it is utterly false, while other reviewers link to articles that assert the same.  I value fiction just as much as I value non-fiction, so this is a betrayal of my trust.  I would have accepted the book if he just pushed it as fiction in the first place. Oprah actually blundered with this one when she added it to her book club…perhaps without that added press, not very many of us would have ever known about the book.  So, I’ll say that I enjoyed it, but I have never been an addict, and could easily fall into the fictional world that it was.  Because so many recovering addicts have reacted with alarm at the book, I would advise that anyone who is thinking of seeking treatment or is recovering should ABSOLUTELY NOT READ THIS BOOK.  But, if you like fiction, A Million Little Pieces is a decent diversion.  Buyer beware–check out the 1-star reviews and articles here first.

replacement

Her name is Shelly. 

As an old English name, it means “Meadow on a Ledge”…whatever that is. For me, the female version of this name has a contemporary meaning; Shelly stands for replacement. Replacement. I’m being replaced.

We have been in a quandary since his parents flipped out.  I agree with him–we should see other people, because there is somebody better for both of us out there.  However, I do not believe we should do this now, not in front of each other’s faces.  We discussed this, and more, that Sunday.  So then, how could he tell me he loves me and lie with me until my soul touches heaven…and within the same hour, broach the subject of meeting her?  He is the only person I know who could make love to a woman who loves him, make her feel safe in her most vulnerable state, make her forgive him (for parental beliefs that are not his fault–even though following them is), and then casually bring up “seeing new people”. I choked on my cigarette. His explanation was vague, so I don’t think he knew who he was being set up with, but he knew co-workers wanted him to meet some girl.  He was noticeably excited about it.

Placid-face-saying-encouraging-things,  meet Electrocuted-insides-screaming-expletives.  Ya’all play nice.

I had made plans to see his students perform, before it was too late, the following Friday.  I was going to come straight from work, and told him to tell the kids I was coming.  The next day, he informed me that a co-worker would be introducing them the same night I planned to go, so I said that I would not be there. I was disappointed in not being able to see students I helped begin–and I was disappointed in him.  He said he was sorry, but I don’t think either of us believed it.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…went by quickly.  I was trying to stay busy, all while being gracious, all while insanely competing with an unknown woman for my boyfriend of 5 years’ love. I stayed so busy, I didn’t notice until Thursday that I’d overdrawn my bank account–by about $100.  I had to ask him for money so that I could just get to work, and I hated to do it.  Of all weeks, and of all days, why did I have to show him that she was already better than me? I felt pretty resigned as I drove by the school on my way home alone Friday. I knew she was prettier.  I knew she was smarter.  I knew she was white.

What I didn’t know was her name.  Nope…he told me that when he got home.  After he kissed me hello, and after I quietly told him I didn’t want to know any details.  He was considerate of my wishes and gave me only the broad gist of the meeting.  He said he’d gotten Shelly’s phone number.  I suddenly had a feeling that our weekend was going to suck.

We made plans a few months prior to go to Pensacola on Saturday to see the Blue Angels and to see Historic Downtown areas.  We were to go the day after he met her.  Still trying to be gracious, in a gritted teeth sort of way, I let him sleep in a little more than either of us should have.  I knew we wouldn’t get to do any of the other stuff that I wanted to show him (like downtown) unless we left early, before eight.  I also knew he would sleep late and somehow get out of doing anything that he didn’t want to do. I resigned myself to it, accepted his apology when he woke up with a headache at nine, and threw away the downtown maps.  Why should he care about what I want? The airshow was awesome and we actually had a good time, enjoying each other’s company…except for when he was actually holding my hand in public while we were watching fireworks…and down here, hours away from virtually everybody he is related to…lo and behold…his cousin walks by, and he jerks his hand away from mine as though I had burned him.  I actually thought I did.  What bothered me most about the incident was not that he jerked his hand away; it was that, in a crowd of thousands, he was looking around for who might be looking at us.

On Sunday, he called her, and a date was set for Monday night. Mexican food was agreed to be a suitable choice. By that time, Shelly was a supermodel in my mind, and I hated her. Since I’ve been dating him, he has brought out this violent jealousy (emotionally turbulent, not fist-to-cuff) I never knew existed in me.  I felt it then, and didn’t speak to him much throughout the day.  Somewhere around nine in the evening, insanity took over, and I ironed his clothes–for school, and for his date.  I chose a shirt I love to see him in, one that brings out his eyes and fits well. I have a favorite picture of him, and in it, he is wearing this shirt.  In the picture, his eyes speak of a soft and deep love for me, nowhere near as intense and heart-melting as the real thing, but the picture actually does his gaze justice.  I lovingly ironed every stupid crease as if the shirt could say, “She really ironed the shit out of me…she loves you this much…don’t do this, man.”

The next day, I didn’t have to work (awful time for an off-day).  I was going nuts, so I cleaned a whole bunch of stuff, loaded the dishwasher, hung up my clothes, ironed the rest of his clothes, and played on the computer until he came home to change. I wanted (and had planned) to stay away from him, but insanity took hold of me again.  I helped him get ready instead. I made sure he put on the good brown belt.  I surveyed my ironing job as he put on the shirt.  I reminded him to trim his nose hair.  My heart imploded in spurts and jerks.  I reminded myself that if Shelly was better for him, it was a good thing.  I hated myself for thinking it. 

As he was leaving he leaned over to kiss me goodbye. He always, always kisses me goodbye, no matter what else is going on in our worlds. This time, it was too awkward.  Even as I leaned into him, our lips touched and my eyes flew wide open. My brain screamed, he is kissing you goodbye before he goes out on a date with another woman. HE IS KISSING YOU GOODBYE BEFORE HE GOES OUT ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. We both pulled away. We both looked away.  He spoke first. “That was weird.”

I let him have a sad smile. How astute of you, jackass. “Yeah, weird…See you later.”

I watched him leave, I slammed the door, and I sat in the kitchen and cried. Just enough to know that I was still normal, and this betrayal hurt, and whatever he has fractured can never be fixed. None of this made sense.  Five years.  I have loved him through shit, but nothing like this, for five years. I hate him but I can’t hate him. I gave him permission to do this. I want him to be happy. With me. What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him choose me over a normal southern-white life? What is so wrong about a life with me? I used to be so strong. Why did I choose to surrender some of my power to this man?  Why can’t I see that he is just as racist and stupid as his parents and everyone else? He can’t reconcile the racism and the love for me, so he is just quitting.  It’s easier. Why can’t I hate him and walk away? I went to the basement and watched T.V. At some point, I locked the door.  I didn’t want to see him until I was ready to face him, and I sure didn’t want him bouncing in talking about some great date that he had.  I knew it would be great. I knew he would want to kiss her, get rid of me, date her many more times, tell her she’s beautiful, propose to her, marry her, make babies with her, spit on my grave with her.

It took me a little while to come out of the basement once he came home.  He did knock on the door, and I told him I’d be out later. I got up all my courage and walked outside, but downstairs, instead of upstairs on the deck, where he was. He was on the phone with his parents. I hate them still. He walked down to me. He must have seen the look in my eyes and so he kept walking past. He turned around and just looked at me.  At this point I figured he couldn’t tell me anything about this stupid date because he was too busy pretending I wasn’t here while talking to family.  I walked alongside him, and we walked upstairs together. 

Since I have waited until my wounds healed a little, Shelly is actually out of the picture, and what he told me about the date is irrelevant. He told me things that made me feel better, and things that made me feel like there will be a lot more where she came from.  I still love him more than I hate him, and have probably been nicer to him this past week than I have in a while. I have not–and will not–let my guard down. He is the only one who has the power to hurt me so much that part of me will be destroyed. I really can’t afford to damage the wrong part of my soul, and never trust enough to know love again.  I know that now. I am enjoying what time we have left, and I want him to remember me for a long time.

Shelly stood for replacement–my replacement–but she just as easily could have been Jessica, Ashley, or Lily. The irony here is in what his name means.  In English, Israeli and Hebrew…the man I chose to trust…has a name that means “Supplant” or “Replace”. We should have both seen this coming.

The NERVE of some people!

Ok, I just got finished reading an article that just upset me to death.  My s/o, who is most definitely an active teacher (at a parent booster meeting as I type)  read and was upset too.  Maybe we just don’t know enough about Illinois’ Public School System to be all up in arms, but if you’ve ever taught….just ONE day…in a classroom anywhere, you know and might take offense to this too.

Read the original arcticle HERE. (no place for comments)

In fairness to the original blogger who posted this, I didn’t attack them.  The article was part of a series of blog posts and articles about public sector employment and how the payment is unfair ( = too high) for the services rendered. The teacher one had to do with pensions, and how they are too high for teachers to retire so early (given as average of 58 years), but also jabbed at what the teachers had made for the four years leading up to their retirement.  There was also a link to a video about 7% pay increase every year.  I had to voice my feelings on the issue so (before I thought “duh, I’ll just blog about it”) I left a lengthy comment…pasted here for your enjoyment.

I realize you didn’t necessarily write the article, but concerning the “teacher retiree class of 2008” one…I really have to take issue. The article stated, “This exercise once again highlights the excessive total compensation being paid to many public workers especially teachers. When we add in the shorter work year, value of tenure, gold-plated fringe benefits on top of lavish early pension benefits we end up with a very privileged, very expensive class of workers.”

Please remember, when you talk about teachers, this is a profession made up of people who EDUCATE FUTURE GENERATIONS. Not ones who defraud investors; not ones who glorify sex, drugs, and violence to make a profit; not ones that indebt the entire country because some financial formula made lots of money in the short-term.  These are Educators that spend a lot of time trying to teach kids something valuable while at the same time trying to ensure every student passes a myriad of state-mandated tests. Also keep in mind that many students in the present school-age generation do not get the kind of parental commitment or values-based upbringing that makes this job anywhere near easy.  I am a partial product of Illinois’ educational system,and I noticed a PROFOUND difference in the quality of what was being taught when my family moved to Florida (in the third grade, no less).  I also turned out better for my early educational experience in the state compared to many of my peers that were only exposed to Florida’s system. Derrion Albert, an honor student, and his murderers were also in Illinois classrooms, so you can see a one-size-fits-all approach is not possible in the realm of teaching. The stress of teaching during the school year DOES require summer work, and much more than the general public realizes, plus the fact many teachers that have worked with and/or still know put in WAY more than a 40-hr work week during the regular school year. Think more in the range of 60 or 70 hours, average. I know I did. Many people in public education choose to work toward advanced degrees, and some positions within the school often REQUIRE it (think school counselors, curriculum coordinators, media specialists, nurses and administrators), and this often factors into the salary that they make.

And to top all of this, most educators in the United States pay into their teachers’ or state retirement system throughout their entire career.

Sorry I don’t have statistics or graphic organizers to prove all of this. It was just a very upsetting post for me to read. So please, if we’re going to gripe about tax dollars being spent carelessly, don’t start the blame game with the teachers.

I know I haven’t taught in two years, but NOBODY is going to attack teachers and what they’re worth on my watch.

Opening a REAL Time Capsule

I pride myself in setting out every day to learn something new. Lately however, my taste for things scientific has given way to my overwhelming sense of inadequacy when it comes ito the language of scientific inquiry…mathematics.  I rue the fact that I am a language-y, feeling-y type. I’d rather be a cold, hard, logical person any day. Then I could be working with CERN or something.

Oh well, my jealous phase shouldn’t last long.  I have other interests to keep me occupied in the meantime, and was very impressed with a BBC program from a few years ago that explains so much more than even the documentary’s producers could have known at the time.  The focus is on the American Neo-Conservative movement and the Radical Islamic movements that came about roughly around the same time. The series explains A LOT about where we are today and the tension that exists between and within the U.S., Middle Eastern countries and Radical Islamic Factions. Very interesting stuff, so I’ll post all of the segments here.

**Ironically, my s/o has just recently found and begun playing the Bible quest video games they talk about in one of the segments…he has no idea why he remembered about them, but has been playing every night lately!**

My brush with unfamiliar feelings…

I have no idea how to concretely categorize how I’m feeling right now, and I have to get this out.  There are some lies which must be told to keep the people you love safe.  These are not lies that I’m telling, but I have to corroborate them.  Now, keep an open mind. 

Racism and bigotry is still very alive and well in the south, and especially in the Bible Belt. I was not raised to believe that people are not people when their skin color is different, but too many folks down here have been.  The older generation can’t get beyond the ideas about different races from their youth (think civil rights era, wars in Korea, Vietnam, and the Middle East). Still, some of the students I encounter don’t know quite what to make of me, because their experience is limited, but they are generally more accepting of people around them. The hateful backlash against the president…I’m sure that you can recognize that at least some of it is due to the color of his skin (even though he’s half-and-half). Want proof that such hard feelings still exist?? Link, link, link, and link. 

I have been in a wonderful relationship for five and a half years, and it is an interracial relationship.  I am the luckiest person alive to have found such a wonderful, caring individual to share my life with.  The two of us have been through so much together, and our love just grows stronger and stronger. We live together. We are not married, due to the fact that his family doesn’t and CANNOT know about our relationship.  You can read a little more about our situation in a couple of posts I wrote back in May (one <–read at your own risk! and two<–much more tame). He has been under a tremendous amount of pressure from balancing his two “lives”–one with his family (that doesn’t include most of who he really is) and one with the rest of the world (where he gets to be himself and include me). For the entire duration of our relationship, I have made excuses for his family and their views on interracial dating, and Black people, in general.  “They are good people and can’t be wicked and truly hateful if they raised their son so well…oh, they’re just from a different time in history….oh…they have lived in a small town their whole lives….well, they just haven’t had the opportunity to get to know people of different races, and would be more tolerant if they had…well, maybe…” This is his family, and the last thing I want to do is alienate him from the people who have loved him his entire life, because they would disown him.  So I have justified these elaborate deceptions to keep their feelings safe, and to keep his family in his life.  Even after every racist comment, reaction, joke (which I actually think are hillarious…yeah, I know…), and ugly comment about the president, I have still defended them. For their feelings.  For their sense of security and what makes sense in their limited world.  For what is acceptable to the “teachings” of the church.  For the fact that the son who loves me is more helpful to them in their increasing age and has the best chance of providing them with grandchildren than the other son….and the list goes on.

I have overlooked all of these things, until recently.  (Here’s where the open mind comes in handy) They were planning a trip to see him for this weekend. Did I mention that they didn’t know that I already lived here?  So needless to say, we were scrambling for an excuse, justification, or any reason for me to be here, with all my stuff when they arrived.  We decided on the path of least resistance, where I would just be living here temporarily, etc., etc., with no mention of half a decade of dating.  It seemed harmless, with me as a roommate, since we’re both post-grad, and are adults in every sense of the word, right?

Wrong.  We might as well have dropped bombs on them. From the reaction we got, you’d think he told them he had given me a ring (which he has).  Momma, Daddy, Brother(who is closer to our age)–they all flipped out.  They cancelled their visit.  They haven’t spoken to him in two days.  And I am left with an unfamiliar set of emotions.

Despair, which is new for me, in light of how I was raised so multi-culturally.  Despair which attempts to prove white people are looking at me and thinking, “she is black and dumb,” or “she is black and ugly,” or “she is black and worthless.” Despair which shows me the futility of trying to have intelligent conversation with them ever again, because I have the distinct feeling that they will just smile and nod while the n—-r is talking.  Despair, because I’ve had meals at the table with these people, and all of those interactions are now suspect. Despair when I consider the future with my s/o…they will never understand our relationship, and because of my newfound dumb, ugly, worthless and subhuman status, I actually almost believe that I’m not worth the risk.

Hatred, which is all-consuming and sickening all at once. Hatred which fuels a wish for a malignant something-or-another to be found this week.  Hatred which inspires a desire to sign them up for all sorts of junk mail services. Hatred which drops all the previous defenses I had for them…and labels the behavior as what it actually is. Hatred as un-like my nature and as unhealthy as it can be. Hatred in my chest and somewhere deeper, that is making me hot, cold and sick to my stomach.  Hatred that may not ever subside and allow me to forgive, especially if the current situation leads me away from the man I love.

Anger. Furious anger. I don’t even have the adequate words for how I felt when the comment “…well, you won’t be renewed at that job now,” was made.  Angry clenched teeth, when I realized that they would not bother to call him, and would ignore him on the internet. Helpless anger because, despite their irrational, unfounded, racist, outdated, small-minded, hateful, unintelligent, nonsensical beliefs and feelings, he still cares what the hell they think, and he’s hurting in a way that I CAN’T HELP MAKE BETTER unless I leave for good.

We knew this day was coming…but this is not even the level of revelation we were so afraid of. I am also equally appalled at my reaction.  I didn’t know I was really capable of feeling this way about his family, and I’m sorry that I feel as irrationally as they do.  I didn’t think they could have me so upset I’d be ready to wash my hands of the whole affair.  But he has been as wonderful as he can be–as sad as he is, he’s been more tender and loving than normal, and all I can do is hug him and tell him that I’m here for him.

Can people not recognize that the Emancipation Proclamation was in 1862, Desegregation mostly occurred in 1954, Anti-Miscegenation laws were repealed in 1967, and we have a damn half-black president, elected in 2008.  Yet…here I am today, in 2009…miserable because narrow views that take pride in STOMPING on my very human-ness, still exist, and are touching my life in ways I never would have believed.

Irreverent. Irrelevant.

President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.  And, if it is a nod to America’s rejection of the type of leadership from the past eight years, then he deserves it.  Maybe not yet…but that is for another post.  I am changing the subject.

Let us revisit Orwell’s 1984…”whoever controls the past, controls the future. Who controls the present, controls the past.” Here they are speaking about the events in history, and our recollection of it.  Oh, and manipulation of it.  My interest came from two stories that caught my attention today.

I have been loosely following CERN’s work on the Hadron Collider since AirForceStepDad stated “I just know they opened up some kind of hole-in-time…” when it broke.  Don’t mind him–he took the pills during Desert Storm.  So I was dismayed that a researcher in the facility was arrested. First, there was conflicting information on the French physicist working in the vicinity of the Large Hadron Collider had been arrested with links to Al-Qaeda. He was in contact with the organization, and although he had not begun preparing for any specific action, he had expressed an interest in carrying out attacks. My info discrepancy came from the actual number of individuals arrested, from NPR and the BBC coverage of it.  Hate to ignore blogs, but I was looking for traditional media on this one, because a few originally led me to believe that he was actually working ON THE LHC. Which terrified me.  But he was not, and in fact he was working on the Beauty Quark with independent researchers (also neat subject matter…and anti-matter), and so was not actually working with CERN on figuring out the origins of the universe (and I guess the Higgs Boson – Thanks wikipedia!). For their part, CERN did make sure that they knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the electrical failure from last year was exactly that.  Even still, the thought of terrorist activities so close to the only gigantic particle accelerator is not all that comforting. The physicist was unnamed in reports.

This led me to a blurb that I know I heard somewhere…Iranian Atomic Scientist missing, or kidnapped?  I searched for a bit, but wasn’t able to find anything until I ran across Al Jazeera’s information. Apparently, Shahram Amiri is  missing, and was purportedly working on Tehran’s nuclear program.  From what I read however, there is speculation on whether he defected or was kidnapped.  Al Jazeera indicated that many media outlets believe he defected to the west, while his family dismisses that notion.  So then, Iran goes and holds Saudi Arabia (there they are!!!) responsible for not protecting Amiri when he disappeared from their country.  Here’s a thought: If you want to play the “Big Boy Totalitarian Country” game, you don’t let your important people leave the country.  I think that is the third rule down the list. 

While the Iranian foreign minister claims that they have proof of American interference, but U.S. officials have said that they don’t have any information on Amiri. He went missing before the secret site at Qom was revealed, by about three months, so it is safe to guess that he is safe. But…ummm….unless he is here, and quite secure in the United States, I think we should be a little more concerned.

Which brings me to my important point. Once I found the article on Al Jazeera, and had his name, then I found all sorts of articles about his disappearance, with the headline that most often included “nuke scientist” (Is that considered proper?).  These were all within the last week.  What concerned me about Iran was that there was no report of his disappearance, and if he had ended up with really vicious people, we wouldn’t have known until a few days ago–if at all.  More disturbing is that if his disappearance was reported…it’s getting harder to use a search engine to find news from a specific day, specific event, or for events over a year ago. 

I, like many people rely on digital news.  What is beginning to happen is, without the help of a blogger’s link, sometimes you cannot search and find information about what happened if it was too obscure, or if it was too long ago.  Obviously, there was no report of his disappearance.  I also tried searching for information reported when the LHC malfunctioned last year, and consistently came up with the physicist’s arrest.  I gave up and went to CERN’s  site for the date of the incident, then was able to find news in a search.  In searching for this information, I realized how easy it is to manipulate information over time.  I have heard numerous people screaming “1984!!!” without realizing just what that would mean. The true danger from 1984-style media control does not lie within the United States, simply because there are so many “citizen journalists”.  There are, however, repressed societies that can foster misinformation and virtually change the past  before their very eyes (although a more subtle approach would probably be preferable).

My friend, the Squirrel

This has been an interesting week.  The most notable parts seem to have been bookended by a dead squirrel.

Yes…a dead squirrel. I was going through the Declaration of Independence and the abridged Constitution to see how it is perceived that the Obama administration is violating them (or doing so in any way that could be construed as more than the Bush white house); I went outside for a smoke, and lo…

It looks like he had fallen from the largest tree in our backyard onto the driveway, and probably didn’t feel much after hitting the ground. Technically, roadkill. It was then that I realized that squirrels are conservative by their nature–quite content to scamper by and around the dead one, eating nuts, chasing each other–basically ignoring the dead one and its misfortune. For my part, I didn’t know what to do with it; dead, gross, a rodent, and covered with ants already. I figured the squirrel community wasn’t going to get together and throw “a Celebration of Life,” so I watched it over the next few days, and hoped that the cold snap that was keeping the odor down would hold.

I realized on Monday that there is a new job scam…you apply for a legit looking job posted somewhere, you get back a legit looking email response.  Then they ask you to pull your credit. From a link theyprovided in the e-mail. So, alas, no real job there, as I haven’t heard back from two of them since I sent a reply that I had gotten my free yearlies from www.annualcreditreport.com, the one that is the official partnership of the three agencies. The job charlatans are smart, though. There are so many rackets out there, waiting to ensnare the desperate jobseeker. A word of advice: NEVER pay to work. Not ever.

I have to say I was disappointed at Iran’s launch of long-range missiles.  This is probably not the best move to make while all the time insisting that the country’s nuclear program aims are peaceful. I went to check out the IAEA’s minutes and other info on Iran from the past couple of years to see if they did report the building of the under-mountain site…apparently, almost everything that goes on between a sovereign nation (like us) and the IAEA is supposed to be confidential.  Iran was pretty upset about a few details that leaked in the Bush years, which ultimately led to more U.N. sanctions against the country.

In other news, it’s pretty crappy that while being pounded by a typhoon, about 3 huge earthquakes occur causing giant tidal waves. That is nuts for a region of the world to endure at the approximate same time.  As I write this, for the Philipines, there’s another typhoon looming; for Indonesia, another earthquake just rocked the area.

But Derrion Albert will never read this blog post. No, he was beaten to death with boards and vicious kicks, while being filmed on cell phone, while trying to walk home from school (or help a friend…details are foggy). My mistake was watching the video, which his family wants to remain on the web, to raise awareness.  My heart broke when he tried to get up, and the boys just jumpedon him and ended it all. From where I was in front of the computer, I wanted to stop it somehow, but by the time I saw the video, this Chicago honor student was gone forever. If you’ve ever been a teacher (or ever been in school, for that matter), you know that kids will run to wherever the fight is, and just watch transfixed–that is your worst fear for the school day. But this was outside of school, and apparently no-holds-barred. I am saddened and sickened. Again, I’m reminded that this could have been my baby brother, just a year older than Derrion was. I can’t even grab all these kids–gang members and spectators–by the shirtcollar and explain to them how utterly dumb this kind of behavior is.  I hope the judge can.

On the subject of Chicago, I think it’s a bad idea for the windy city to host anything.  Let South America have the games for a change–Illinois doesn’t need the debt anyway (they have plenty).  And, not saying that the Olympics are full of terrorists, but I’d rather not take the chance 100 miles from where my grandma lives.  There are enough Chicago people (see characterization in paragraph above) in my small hometown to make me nervous for her safety already.

I also decided to try and learn Arabic.  I’m working my way through a couple of resources and methods on the web, but I wish I could take a class.  Oh well, we’ll see how this goes first. If anyone knows of any outstanding websites for learning how to speak and read/write, let me know.

Then…on the third day…he was…gone? I went outside to have my wake-up cigarette on Thursday morning and the squirrel was just gone.  I only got a half-chuckle when I informed my fiance that I’d given our buddy (who we’d been watching succumb to nature and ants) a new, Biblically-inspired name. Well, I thought it was funny, even though I was pretty sure that one of the neighborhood cats finally came by.

At any rate, I have tons of stuff to do today. We’re going to our university’s homecoming weekend activities, and I have to pack and run a few other errands. I never did finish looking for the parts of our Declaration and Constitution that had been stomped on, but hopefully nothing too crazy will happen today.

Excellent Book!!

I finished reading A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah, a former child soldier in Sierra Leone during the 90s.  It is his memoir, but more than that, it is a book that raises awareness of the plight of children who are forced to “grow up”–and kill–in completely destabilized African nations.

This is probably the best book I’ve read in a long time…upon finishing I just felt like an awful human being.  Awful, because when I was 12, I was upset because my mom wouldn’t let me “sleep-over” at a friend’s house…at 12, Ishmael lost his family in a rebel attack on their village, sending him on a hellish journey for the next five years of his life.

Now, at the approximate same age as Ishmael, I have not a  single life experience in common with him. I can thank God that I’ve never had to kill anyone for anything, and this is something I’m sure he lives with today and for the rest of his life. But…he, at 28, with this book, with his speeches at the UN, and with his involvement in Human Rights Watch, is doing so much to bring awareness to the children that continue to be forced into fighting wars, that it is clear he was spared for a reason.  I am thankful that Ishmael survived, and came back from the most wicked edge of humanity to write this book, so gripping in its details that I could not put it down.

Read this. If you are anything like me, you will want to gather the children to you (ALL of them, in every war-torn country you’ve ever heard about) and shield them, before their childhoods are taken in such horrific ways. You will be haunted, but the time spent reading will be worth it.